First, a map. There are four ways to handle a moment where what you need and what someone else wants collide, and each one has a running cost, including the quiet one. Nobody gets graded on where they currently sit; most defaults were set years ago, for reasons that made sense at the time.
When what you need and what someone else wants collide, there are four ways it can go. The video walks them as four rooms; most people have a favourite, plus a back door into a second one for when they're tired or scared. Every room charges rent.
Passive — your needs quietly vanish. You say "it's fine," you go along, you keep the peace. Sometimes that really is generosity. But every swallowed sentence drops into a jar, and one ordinary Tuesday the jar spills over something tiny, leaving everyone confused, including you. That bill is the resentment ledger; it always arrives late.
Aggressive — their needs vanish instead. Volume, blame, "you always." It gets results in the moment, which is exactly why it's tempting. The bill arrives as repair: the apology text the next morning, the person who now measures their words around you. You got the thing and paid in trust.
Passive-aggressive — nothing gets said, everything gets leaked. The sigh, the "no, I'm fine" in a tone that plainly isn't, the task done slowly on purpose. It's the most expensive style of the four, because nobody can fix a problem that was never actually stated. Both people pay a little, daily. The video calls it a tax, which is about right.
Assertive — your need gets said, clearly, and theirs still gets to exist. Nobody shrinks, nobody looms, and both of you stay in the room. It's not a personality some people were issued and you weren't; it's a skill, and it's the one this program trains.
Nobody chooses a corner off a menu. Passive usually means speaking up once cost too much. Aggressive often means loud was the only volume that got heard at home. Passive-aggressive tends to mean direct wasn't safe and silent wasn't bearable. Whichever is yours, it kept something safe once, and that deserves some respect before it gets updated.
The job is tracing, not changing: notice which corner you default to, and with whom. The daily check-in and the assertion log will do the collecting. You can't change a route you haven't traced yet.